When you no longer own your heart

Over the past few days the Lord has been reminding me of the burdens that He has given to me, one after another they have come, reminder’s of places and people that have stolen my heart, that I have contended for in prayer, that I have given my life for;

The ending of abortion, the  deliverance and salvation of a generation lost in darkness, the raising up of children who are friends of God, the freedom of millions 0f women and  children in forced prostitution, the forgotten orphans of Romania, the hopeless of California, and the salvation of my loved ones.

The emotions and memories attached to each burden have come washing over me, one at a time and my heart has wept to join with the weeping of the broken hearted Savior, the One who see’s all things, and hears all things, and FEELS, so intensely, about all things.

And I think that to truly be His friend, I have to give up my own heart. To stop focusing on the things that once drew me away and captivated my attention, to give myself to the Love of God, and lay down my thoughts and loves in a different manner than I have ever considered. I have been dramatic in seasons of longing to give my heart to Him more: literally burning posessions, anything that represented the love of this world and all that is fading away in the desire to love Him.

To be honest, I’ve burned my bridges more than once. And though there is something to be said for “cutting off your hand that you may not sin” I think it’s more internal than that. Are we willing to give our emotions to Him, to feel what He feels for the things that burden His heart? I’ve heard of a man who at times has heard the “silent screams” of aborted children and spends hours weeping under the wheight of it and crying out for God to bring an end to abortion. It makes me think of Jeremiah lamenting and weeping for the lost of Jerusalem who would die in the calamity that had not yet happened, and in his groanings cried out “Oh that my head were a fountain of tears! That my eyes would RUN with water!”

Am I willing to be that kind of a friend to the Son of Man?

I am beginning to think that He takes our prayers seriously. In those moments when the song is just right, the musicians seeming to play the strings of our hearts, and we whisper those sweet words of love like “Here I am Lord, send me” or (let the IHOPer understand) “Here’s my heart Lord, take and seal it, I give it all to You”.

What if He began to answer those prayers? What if He began to take our hearts, and piece by piece, give back to us parts of His own? I think I would love more, that’s for sure.  I can imagine that I would have more patience, that the momentary would have less importance, and the individual would have more, that I would be quick to speak of my Savior in public, would be quick to repent, quick to listen, quick to pray, quick to give, and slow to keep.  I can imagine that I would spend less time considering my heart, my desires, my thoughts; my heart would no longer be my own to consider.

Increasingly over the last week, when my eyes are closed I see the fronts of abortion clinics where we have stood and prayed, I see the people of Mexico & El  Salvador, the school children of Ireland, the orphans of Romania, the streets of San Diego, the youth of the inner city, the faces of the ones who I love, the houses in Omaha, the fields of Iowa.

How have I come to the place where my eyes no longer flood with tears when I consider these things? How many steps have I taken that led me away from the place of waiting with my Savior? I don’t know, but I want to go back, I think He’s leading me back. I want to come to the place where my heart is no longer my own, and I want to stay there.


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