In the words of Misty

I will waste my life.

I’ll be tested and tried.

With no regrets inside of me, just to find I’m at Your feet. Just let me find I’m at Your feet.

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July 23 2009

Today I am thankful that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life, the only way to the Father of lights.

Hidden in darkness are so many turns, so many roads, so many options that all lead to confusion, but in You. In You there is no shadow of turning, even though I may not understand, and may not be able to see all that is in front of me. In you there is light and hope and peace, in You it is clean. I love that, that You are clean and pure and good.

Thank you Jesus for becoming a Man. I can’t help but imagine, every time you got dirt on Your hands, that You rubbed Your fingers together, feeling the flesh and the soil and REMEMBERED, remembered the day that You made Man, breathed life into the empty shell of clay. And I remember, every time I have dirt on my hands, that You are patient with me, and remember that I am dirt. So are You.

Thank You for breathing life into this empty shell of clay.

a heart exposed

2.11 pm – I am sitting at J.Mills desk, his daughter Bella is sleeping in the play pen in front of me and he is next door at the recording studio. Currently I am transcribing video’s for Omega and finishing a late lunch. Lunch, is somewhat of a phenomenon in my life.

The room is dark and silent but for the fan blowing to drown the noise for the sleeping babe, and the muffled tipping of my fingers on the keys. The major thought on my heart today: I long to see a generation set free from sexual perversion. Yesterday afternoon on a phone call with my father, I told him that my heart is most burdened right now by one prophetic word over the prayer movement in kansas city, “Daddy, there still is not a prayer meeting in town where a young man can find delieverance.”

Now I know that it happens, even know a few who it has happened to: they came into the meetings and literally felt things breaking off of their soul and they were set free.  But so rarely.

He sighed and with frusteration and even a little helplessness said that he dind’t know why and what we have to do for it to happen and the only thing I knew to say was “Maybe it’s becuase we still don’t know how to love?”Paul spoke of great gifts in 1 Corinthians 13, things that we all long to have in our lives, but Love, he said, was the greatest. During a devotional prayer meeting on friday, the singer began to sing of how we know what love is

Arms wide open, a heart exposed, sometimes bleeding.

It’s like Laura sings, He’s looking like a fool with His heart on the line, hanging on a tree with His heart on the line.

This is so different than the way that we love, we were taught about that word so differently. Cover your mouth, cover your heart, close your eyes! Don’t let anyone know what you’re thinking, what you are feeling. Whatever you do don’t make eye contact, don’t feel, because surely if they know they will want something, and you only have so much to give so choose wisely. They’ve taught us to keep our words inside our chests, don’t wear your heart out on your sleeve, don’t feel! Once they know what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling they will only use it against you and leave you broken. And it’s no wonder we can not believe Your love, or receive it.

When we found You, You were not the collected, respected, kingly man we expected. We found you with children on your knees, thieves and whores were at your feet. And how could such as we be expected to be friends with ones like these? The Lord of all creation, adored by all those angels hanging on a tree, without rage and disdain, no hint of revenge was in your eyes, but you had your heart out on the line. And what did we find inside of such a heart laid bare – no darkness or lust or selfish desire. But tender compassion and the purest of fire. You were holy in the deepest depths of Your heart.

And this is strength? This is power? This is love, in it’s truest form? Then You mean that love is not diamonds and roses, and love is not sonnets and poems? Not a Romeo singing into a starfilled sky, gazing with desire up into Juliet’s eyes? But love is found in a man, kneeling in the dirt to take the hand of a begger, love is found in the woman, starving herself just to feed her family. And love is found in the heart of the one on a street corner, calling to those passing by to repent and to finally become found, wiping spit from his eye, and blood from his mouth as they mock him while they pass by.

Then isn’t love found in doing the dishes and the laundry? And isn’t love found in the simple, little things that choose others, and then yourself. I always spoke to Jesus as the “friend who always chooses me first”, but have I learned to choose anyone else before me? How can you pour out your spirit to the selfish and the proud?

Last night Benji Nolot spoke with deep tenderness about Human trafficking and what our response must be to it. I am encouraging everyone I know to listen to the message and to read his notes. It was so timely for me as I was feeling the weight of so many, SO MANY, caught in cycles of sexual perversion with all of the destruction that it brings to them personally and to so many others. And I know that my God FEELS, both for the lost stuck in sin, and for each victim.

“And this is how we know what love is, the Son of Man the Son of God bleeding, on a tree.” Surely loving you is loving man, those few around us, and those far away.

I have so many more thoughts, but alas, there is still work to do and it is the middle of my work day and the beginning of these never ending weeks! Give us grace to love You through our labors.

Simply Posed Questions

“What are you doing with your life?”

And suddenly i remember, like waking from a dream or rising from underneath water to gasp for breath “OH, I have dreams”

“Why ARE you in Kansas City?”

Because I had nothing. The nations were passing before my eyes, so many faces, so many lost, so many dying and I had nothing to offer them. But I know there is a God, the Lord of all Creation, and He’s like wind, He’s like rain, He’s like fire, He’s like oil. Oil. I came here for oil, for fire, for wind and rain. I came to be filled.

“You’ve forgotten your own oil. We overcome by the blood of the Lamb, yes but also the word of your testimony and that is what breaks off chains. You have to believe that God enjoys you even when you are weak and broken. I want for you to be able to go sit out at Shiloh, or play your guitar or go fishing, and smile when you’re doing it because you know that He is pleased with you in those moments, not just the moments when you’re burning. You can’t burn without oil”

Wisdom, the virgin’s who were ready at the coming of the Bridegroom and heard the cry of the watchmen when He came. They paid the price to go, and to buy oil.

July 11, 2009

Lightning     Fireflies     Crickets     Ice Cream and Country music.

If I were home right now I’d be sitting on the roof outside my window (dear God, never let my mom read my blog. It terrified her that I used to climb out that window)  or high up in the big tree by the far pasture.

In my memories there are still horses in that pasture. Two chestnut Arabians, and one miniature pony, and in half an hour I would hear the sound of the train going through t.wn. It still surprises me that my babies are gone,

Cressie was my favorite because he was bigger, stronger and harder to control.  The first night we had him I spent nearly two hours high up on that back as he fought to go into the barn, and I fought to go on a ride. The result was the two of us going in one small circle for a LONG time. He put up a good fight, eventually trying to shake and rear me off but he finally gave in and five minutes later I took him in to eat. I think he loved me for fighting with him that night.

Tonight I sit on the front porch, the sound of cars ringing in my ears, far far away from the home that I love.  Joshua taught Hebrews 3 in bible study tonight, the Spirit of God was so strong in the room that my breath was shallow and I had to actively fight the tears that threatened to run free; we are looking to a city. Hoping in a King who’s rule will never end, and longing for the day when we can always be with Him. Josh said that David completely removed the veil from the temple, which makes Ps. 84 make SO much more sense. I understand that heart of that earthly king “just let me be a little bird sleeping at your feet” he never wanted to leave Your presence either.

Summertime always makes me think of home, old friends, and missions trips. Remembering all of the bonfires, all of the fundraisers, all of the outreaches, always being in another country over my birthday. I loved that part, loved wearing myself out all summer long. Back then I felt radical, and remember finding you in the extravagant places; on the plains of the Lakota Sioux reservation, out on the brick streets of Londonderry, in the side of a volcano in San Salvador. Now I search for you in the corner of a brightly lit room, trying to hide my tears from the camera’s & my friends running them.

It’s funny how different things look as time passes. How easy it would be to become dissilutioned with our own misunderstanding. I never in my worst dreams imagined myself in America at 22. But here I am loving You Jesus. I’m convinced there’s a journey ahead that even I couldn’t have dreamed up, and am so thankful for the time that You have given me to learn how to set my face towards You, to fix my eyes. You’re so faithful to keep on teaching me. You see everything, and still You love me.

bursts of wind

The last week has been full, but really, can anyone remember having 7 days that were not?

Katrina and I have spent the last few days staying at Randy & Kelsey Bohlender’s house watching their sweet girls, (all 3 of whom are adopted) while the 3 boys were in other locations. Yesterday their 3 boys & 3 girls were joined by the birth of Piper, a tiny girl of 5 pounds 3 ounces.

Photo’s and mini stories can be found on my twitter & facebook pages, but I’m sure I’ll have more to say about it soon when I have the time to blog.

Tomorrow my Sunshine flies in from Florida for a weeks visit and hopefully we’ll be able to do some photography while she’s in town. I’d love some pointers on using my camera, almost as much as I’d love to be staring into the lens of her’s.

Colbie Cailat & Taylor Swift have voices like the melodies of a lake reflecting a summer morning with clouds rimmed in silver from the sleepy sun.

When the first thing one thinks of upon waking is thoughts of the goodness of Yeshua and the joy of loving and serving Him in the new day, one’s day does not necessarily go any better. BUT, one does find much more strength as they go about their day, and much more love for Him at the end of it.

Lastly, I’m thankful for Zack & Carrie Hensley. Z has been such a safe friend and good leader for the last four years, faithfully pushing me when I need to be pushed, encouraging me when I need encouragement, and wrapping me in his massive bear hugs when I want to run and hide. Their first baby is due in two weeks, and I can’t wait to see Z as a dad. Carrie, I’m so glad that you married my friend, and have loved getting to know you. I am praying for your precious baby!