There are many emotions that you feel when finding yourself rudely awakened from a deep sleep. One moment, nothing. But at the sound of the loud noise, the door bursting open, the cold water on your face, there is frustration, surprise, confusion, anger or fear.
Sometimes in those moments, those “suddenlies” when reality wakes you, the pain of waking is accentuated by the realization of your slumber. Think of the disciples in the garden, as the Man who they loved more than air came to them again and again with pain in His eyes, crying out for companions to help Him carry the load. Imagine the piercing in their hearts as He woke them again, and staring into His pain filled eyes they found that they had been asleep. Well I’ve been in pain.
The swirl surrounding the trip to Turkey, the processing on my return, the immense physical pain that I’ve been in, again. All of it has wounded my soul. It has been nearly 6 months since the chronic migraines, daily headaches and sleeplessness has been broken off. But in the last month the rest of the problems with pain have come crashing back. My bones hate me for flying.
Listen kids, don’t wreck your cars. And if you do, for the sake of all good things go to the Doctor and get checked out! As spring returns I’ve fought to get outside, to mow the lawn, do a little gardening etc. With the help of a friend I’ve been painting, removing & re-staining the trim around the house & other little projects. A new roommate moved in and we all changed rooms so there has been lots of lifting, moving, stretching, not to mention international travel etc. and my neck/shoulders have rebelled, resulting in many days where the battle is mostly to get out of bed and simply to show up at a meeting.
But the war is discouragement. There have been many, many unanswered questions over the last year. Many unresolved pains, unfulfilled dreams and promises. Many pains in my heart due to things happening in the lives of my friends and for all of the love that is in me I can not stop it. Despite the fight to stay open my heart has been closing, little bit by little bit. Aaaaaaaah, but there is a light. Our Father is faithful in His love for us.
In that small basement room of a Turkish hotel, with sweat pouring down my back from the heat, the music roaring, the dancing, my voice scratching as I sing, the sound of the young people singing at the top of their lungs, and a whisper broke through ” I remember you…..”
Oh the kindness of your youth, how you went after Me in the wilderness. Does it ever seem like the Lord is continually calling back to you with the same message? Yeah me too.
The fact is that I have been called, and with all of the joy of my heart I have surrendered my life to live for another age and for a love that is truer than anything I’ve seen. But it wasn’t poetic language, when all throughout the scriptures we see the friends of God speaking of being strangers, pilgrims, sparrows looking for a home. It’s a hard thing, to keep our hearts set on the city we’ve never seen, to encourage our souls to drink deeply of longing for the Son of Man. And we are prone to wander and grow weary in doing good, and discouragement is a heavy yoke.
There are nights when it has been easy for me to step into the Awakening meetings to minister and be ministered to. Times when it has been easy to walk in and marinate in the sweetness of the presence till my eyes refuse to open and all of my will is used to simply get out to the car, and soak some more. But still something has lacked, something in me, something outside of me & my heart ached.
The realization in Turkey was this. As time goes on it simply has become easier to let go of the edge, the fire that burns inside. Too many people misunderstanding or not agreeing or feeling that it should look different and it simply becomes easier to listen. I’ve talked myself into calming down. Stopped fasting. Stopped writing, stopped labouring, stopped laying hold of what is free for me. Once again I have grown tired of losing friends because of the intentionality of the way that I carry my heart, and it was easier to stop being intentional. Not knowing how to carry a Holy Dissatisfaction, and growing tired of carrying it.
My soul has been tired and weary. So many things going on, so many lines on the list and details to be done and part of me has said “It’s really not too much, I should be able to do this!” but I’ve not been able to convince the other part. But I looked into those young faces and I saw raw desperation, and I watched Him meet them. It shocked me how easy it was, and how easily I’ve forgotten just how simple it is to love God and be loved by God. We’re still being taught out to be sons & daughters.
I feel like I’m waking up a little bit, and resisting it, because it hurts. Is it ok to just say that I’m weary? The themes of my dreams are of my not having oil, and I feel the truth of that when I am alone. Last Wednesday part of my family and a group of friends flew to Fredericksburg VA to attend a conference. My main motivation was to see my brother and sister in law & to counsel with some friends there, but the Lord had other plans. I was really rocked in Virginia. My dreams were clear, the messages were arrows straight to my heart, one night a group of inters/staff from the Prayer Furnace prayed over me for a long while, prophecying specific phrases, drawing together strings from the last 3 years of my life an astonishing way. The next day I went to receive personal prophetic ministry from their teams and the same thing happened, powerful confirmations of specific things to my heart.
And when the Lord speaks and we know we have heard Him we simply respond, or we do not. I feel like I’ve been spinning on a merry-go-round out of control and I want to get off of it. I can’t begin to pretend to know what the correct response is at this moment, but there’s a piercing light that’s jarring me awake, and though it’s painful I am thankful for it. The wrestle is worth the outcome. At the end of this journey I will have truth in the innermost parts, I WILL walk boldly before God and fearless before man. And no matter how many times He has to call me out of compromising from what I know He has said I want to continue to respond to His call.
Whew, now, if you’ve read this far, you’ve got to check out this devotional cd for Andrea Marie Carr, I’ve been soaking in it all day. Let it breathe into your soul.