Surrender

Mid Summer: Stretching

Late Summer: Painful

This Fall: Crazy

Katrina & I are helping with one of her past co-workers weddings this upcoming Saturday. Of all the weddings I have participated in or helped with, this one has proven to be the most challenging in the details. Unimaginable, absolutely ludicrous hurdles have presented themselves time & time again. As frustrating as that has been I feel that I have a decent grasp on things should we ever co-ordinate another KC wedding. For real, I could write angry blog posts about 4 different rental companies as well as a bakery and…..I’m going to leave it alone.

Adding to the crazy has been a month or two of growing trouble with the twins who I Nanny for. 1) I adore these little girls 2) This job & my employers are a constant, wonderful blessing in my life but 3) Teething x2 is just not for the faint of heart. Together, they alternately refuse to eat, refuse to sleep, or refuse to be comforted. Baby 1 does something naughty; I tell her ‘No’. Baby 2 responds by running to go do the exact same thing that Baby 1 was just chastised for. Baby 2 has taken up biting Baby 1 as a response to all frustration; when a toy is grabbed from her hand, when she is unintentionally knocked over, when I am holding Baby 1 & Baby 2 wants affection – biting. Just so much hair pulling & biting. When Baby 1 is having a hard day she tends to express it by following Baby 2 around the room, taking from her whatever toy or item she decides to play with, that is until she is bitten. And then there are just the days where both babies have diaper rash, teeth coming in & no matter what I do they are going to take turns crying or throwing tantrums every minute that they are not asleep.

Top it off with my recent decision to go to college & the flurry that has come with trying to get in late on the current semester. There are things I never wanted to learn about. Such as – how much college textbooks cost, how many THOUSANDS of scholarships there are to apply to, what the EFC actually means & just how many years of my life I’ll be require to work a night job to pay off tuition at the University I set my heart on. These are just a few of the items on the growing list of “Reasons I never wanted to get a degree”. At the same time, I’m beyond excited. It’s just been a bit of an overwhelming blur trying to figure out how to make this exciting thing actually happen.

Yesterday was the kind of whirlwind that sums up my current flavor of crazy. I woke feeling yucky; congestion, cough, sore throat, back ache, head ache, puffy eyes – you name it. I stumbled to the bathroom thankful for a full nights sleep, but was hurried out by a roommate who had to leave soon. Oh the beauty of communal living! We learn to serve by prioritizing needs & schedules. After a brief break I finished my morning routine & was quickly out the door to watch the twin boys who claim my Wednesdays. Walking in the door of the house I promptly spilled almost my entire cup of coffee. On the carpet. Coffee that I REALLY wanted to drink. Insert twin BOY drama, nap refusal complete with blood curdling screams which woke the other meaning one baby down one tired baby awake & no break for the nanny. Tired baby fusses, a nanny spilling, dropping & knocking over everything possible…all…day…long.

An hour before leaving I get a message that the friend whose child I’m watching in the evening needs me to come early, as in, as soon as I leave the twins. Getting off I drove home pushing the speed limit to grab food & jump straight back into the car. The night went smoothly, as smooth as it could with my continued dropping everything, leaving doors open & making generally every mistake I could. Insert text message – the parents event didn’t go as expected meaning they will return an hour later than planned.

Yes, this fits with the day.

I came home really, really tired. Walking in the door I tried to objectively go over the list of things I had hoped to do throughout the day that hadn’t been accomplished due to baby crazy while looking to no avail for my blasted goldfish food. HOW DO YOU LOSE GOLDFISH FOOD WHEN YOU USE IT EVERYDAY??????

And that is when I stopped, with a tired sigh I just sat down & stopped. My devo yesterday talked about the dangers of complaining & the freedom from burdens that comes when we take all of our thoughts to our Heavenly Father.

Whenever you are tempted to grumble, come to Me and talk it out. As you open up to Me, I will put my thoughts in your mind and My song in your heart. – Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

So I pulled out some mixing bowls & talked it all out of myself while baking a mess of crunchy chocolate goodness. By the time I pushed the pan into the oven the flow of cares & burdens had stopped, but rolling over gently in my mind sang a simply melodious line from a song called “Surrender” from my friend John Scott Young‘s debut album. It just says “I surrender all to You”.

Again. Again. Again. Again. We just have to hear what we already know, what we truly believe, how we want to live, we have to hear it again, we have to say it again. Over & over & over because follow through is SO HARD. Last night I did it, I laid all the burdens down, baking & praying instead of “doing” anything. Jesus loves us so much, even when we don’t do anything.

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