Not my own

Here’s the thing, once we told Him that He could have it all, He agreed to take it.

On Monday evening I returned to the place I call home after spending 7 days in Turkey. For many reasons there was incredible excitement in my heart as our plane lifted off from Kansas City on the first leg of our journey. For many reasons there was incredible relief in my heart as we touched down on the last.  In short I can say that there was much romanticism about the lifelong dreams of my future that were painfully broken off during those seven days.

The people were amazing, inspiring, encouraging. In fact those words feel empty when I think of the faces. When I consider the men & women, married, single, their teenagers and children, all that is inside of me is respect. They are men and women of renown, but this world does not know their names. They are those who have received the invitation and accepted. Laying down their lives at a high, high price, at the cost of family, friends, at the misunderstanding of those closest, at the accusation of their churches they are those that follow the Lamb wherever He goes.

Hearing their stories and getting a true picture of the lives that they live is part of what brought me to painful freedom from wrong ideas. Most of them can hardly be found.  Addresses, emails, phone numbers unknown. Sacrifices the world will never know, wounds suffered that no man can heal until the Lord of Glory returns. Story after story, conversation, observing them in meetings, piecing together the picture of the cost of discipleship.

I cried for days. Then I came home, and here I am on Thursday night bawling like a baby on my couch. Their children put me to shame in hunger and devotion, and my desire when with them was to pour out every drop that was within me, all that I have I want to give.

You love suddenly. Breaking into time and space and making something new, different than it was before. Wether we asked or not, whether we were ready or not. In that moment and after there is no turning back. Walking down the street outside the hotel, absorbing the sounds and language, drawing in the pictures and the people, in my heart I heard Shelley Hundley singing “He came to me weeping again, He’s longing for friends.”

It’s the same song I hear no matter where I go. And the response of my heart is “Whatever You say, Whatever you do, Whatever face You show me all I want is You.” And here I am. Longing for You, back at the grinding wheel fighting to stay on top of the never ending list of things to do, dropping the ball, doing things wrong, repenting and asking for forgiveness, aching in my soul to be filled and crying out for you to fill. Different but in the same place. You agreed to take it all, and that looks entirely different than what I thought when I said it to You.


N.Nordeman Song of the day

Hold On
It will find you at the bottom of a bottle
It will find you at the needles end
It will find you when you beg and steal and borrow
It will follow you into a strangers bed
It will find you when they serve you with the papers
It will find you when the locks have changed again
It will find you when you’ve called in all your favors
It will meet you at the bridges highest ledge
So baby don’t look down, it’s a long way
The sun will come around to a new day
Hold on, Love will find you
He’s right behind you now,
Just turn around and love will find you
It will find you when the doctor’s head is shaking
It will find you in a boardroom, mostly dead
It will crawl into the foxhole where you’re praying
It will curl up in your halfway empty bed
So Baby don’t believe that it’s over,
Maybe you can’t see around the corner?
To hang between two thieves in the darkness
Love must believe you are worth it
Hold on, Love will find you
He’s right behind you now,
Just turn around and love will find you

Sent by God

A few weeks ago we had the privilege of visiting a small church in San Diego CA called Crosspointe Life   where Lou Engle preached. My heart will never cease to be moved when Lou preaches, and here is a snap shot from that message that stuck it to me good!

The problemis that we look at our lives through the eyes of victimization. Joseph was sent by God but not as an apostle, as a slave. Sold into slavery, just to be sold again, to prison. But from Prison, to the courtroom.

We are tested and get hurt, but if you can forgive and continue to love, than you will get promotion in the kingdom

It’s true, His wisdom is not like our wisdom – but I love Him for it.

19 Days to TheCall California – Jesus we plead Your blood over our sins and the sins of our Nation….


This morning I read an article about Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth, written 2 short months after the loss of their youngest, adopted daughter. I remember at a young age telling my mom that I was going to adopt all of my children, in my young eyes there were just too many un-loved children, and Jesus loves them all. I still believe that the love of a parent is the same for their children of the flesh and those whom they choose, and have grieved for the pain that the Chapman family has gone through while continuing to pray for the strength of the Lord for their family.

I had to share this story from the article, what a good, good Father we have:

Maria had the morning of the accident drawn a picture of a flower and written a word that she had never written before. She knew how to write her name, that was all I had seen, or maybe ‘I love Dad’ or ‘I love Mom’ but she had never written any other words.

The day after the accident we went home…sitting on the art table was this little picture that Maria had drawn the morning of the accident. She had drawn a six-petaled flower and only one petal was colored in. We have six children, only one is whole now, we believe, in the arms of Jesus. She had written the word S-E-E, she wrote the word see. And she had never written that before

My heart grieves, and still I LONG for the spirit of adoption to come and grip the church! Lou often says that we can not stand on street corners and ask women to not abort their babies if in the same breath we do not offer to adopt them. A friend from Romania told me a few years ago that if I really believe in adoption, and really wanted to adopt Romanian children, than as a single 21 year old female, I needed to begin to save the money for it. Sounds radical, it did to me then too, but I believe it. Even more than I did as a 10 year old child I believe it, Father make us ready to receive them with open arms, and open hearts, to love them as You love them and call them into the dream that is in Your heart for them.