When You said “Seek my face”

For the past two months I’ve been asking to remember the ways that I used to burn for Him in the middle of the night; what was it that made me walk away from the grandiose plans of my life?

Going about my day trying to get every item marked off on my list, going to the prayer room & then coming home, I find myself in bed at night wondering where my dreams went. I used to have a heart that beat with passion, that bled with each beat, that longed to be a friend to God.

Walking past the map-wall in the prayer room I had a flicker of a memory – like a last flame flying up out of the embers of a burnt out fire. Night after night leaning into the nations & praying for revival with only whispers from a weak heart begging to believe that God would still go to them if I never did. And if all that I did do was pray from that room.

4 years later & the only things I DO know: sleeping on a cot for 6 months didn’t make me any more of a “real missionary”, & finally getting a real mattress didn’t make me less of one. Julie will have a dream whenever big transitions are happening, & it WILL come to pass, & will probably hurt as much as I thought it would when she told us all the dream. I did not loose my life in God by switching off the Nightwatch,  & when I quit singing in March of 08 I had no idea how hard it would be to try & get back on a team when I tried again in August of 09. And when I came to Kansas City, I really did think I was leaving in 3 months.

Nothing ever happens the way that I expect. But when You said “Come seek My face” my heart said “Your face Lord, I WILL SEEK!” And I will. So I’ve rearranged my schedule….again. And I’m playing my guitar everyday,  just so I can sing the word to my soul & to His heart. I’m going to start sieging again & I’m committed for 4 hours every Wednesday night to cry out for California. I’m writing a lot more & sitting outside. And as I’m slowly turning back to the things that made my heart BURN when I got here 4 years ago, I’m starting to see His face again.

strong currents

are rustling the branches that are stripped almost bare on this, the first of December 2007. The Lord told me that this was a year of fullness for me, it seems like only weeks ago, but back in January. And what  a full year it has been.

I’ve been re-stirred as of late, to give myself in a more focused way to ; Colossians 3. 1-3

Therefore, you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right had of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.

There are times when something says to calm down, pull back, ‘you’re going a little too far, you’re being a little extreme, your heart is good, but chill out a little bit’. And there are times when something inside of me whispers, ‘there must be more than this….’ I read the stories of those who were found faithful or those who You called Your friends. John the Baptist, Moses, Phineas, Mary of Bethany, not to mention the revivalist, David Brainerd, Jonathan Edwards, so many who touched something that I’ve barely dreamed of, and I long. What does it take to be found faithful, what can I give? A friend gently reminded me the other day that ‘our righteousness is as filthy rags’ we could actually get all of the outward things in order, but still be just as far from Your heart as when we started, no it’s our hearts you are after.

In a dream a week ago, a man with burning eyes looked at me and gently said, “I’ll tell you what you are still missing, what you are still lacking. You still don’t have the fire, you still aren’t burning yet.” When I told the dream to one of my leaders, he looked at me  with tears pooling in his eyes and related to me his desire to go back to the first things. “I’m forgetting what it was that brought me here, I remember when I used to pray, ‘God use me, speak to me, I will listen, I will be faithful, I will obey, wake me up in the night God, I will sit with You and listen to Your heart’ and I’ve been so busy lately with so many good things and so many responsibilities, but I’m thinking, ‘God demote me if You need to, I don’t care, I just have to get back in the Prayer Room, back to remembering why I love you’ I can’t let my heart become dull.”

As usual, I have Misty playing on the back of my computer…

How far will you go to know Me?Loneliness can not be avoided, but I will meet you there.

Earlier she was singing of the parable of the 10 virgins

for when it all come down to getting oil, it all comes down to how I spend my time. So give me grace (that empowering strength) to take the scroll and eat it, cause it’s a matter of life or death. Oh I want to be a friend of the Bridegroom, I want to be a friend of the Judge

I’ve been listening to Allen Hood’s series called The Play-fullness of God, it’s been SUCH a good thing, being moved by the kindness in the heart of our Father, the delight that He has in His children, and to Shelley Hundley’s series The Turn Word, being reminded of why intercession is imperative, why we can not hold back in this hour of history.  Oh Father let us be found faithful, Jesus pour out Your heart to us (Proverbs 1.23) We will turn, we will listen.