For the past two months I’ve been asking to remember the ways that I used to burn for Him in the middle of the night; what was it that made me walk away from the grandiose plans of my life?
Going about my day trying to get every item marked off on my list, going to the prayer room & then coming home, I find myself in bed at night wondering where my dreams went. I used to have a heart that beat with passion, that bled with each beat, that longed to be a friend to God.
Walking past the map-wall in the prayer room I had a flicker of a memory – like a last flame flying up out of the embers of a burnt out fire. Night after night leaning into the nations & praying for revival with only whispers from a weak heart begging to believe that God would still go to them if I never did. And if all that I did do was pray from that room.
4 years later & the only things I DO know: sleeping on a cot for 6 months didn’t make me any more of a “real missionary”, & finally getting a real mattress didn’t make me less of one. Julie will have a dream whenever big transitions are happening, & it WILL come to pass, & will probably hurt as much as I thought it would when she told us all the dream. I did not loose my life in God by switching off the Nightwatch, & when I quit singing in March of 08 I had no idea how hard it would be to try & get back on a team when I tried again in August of 09. And when I came to Kansas City, I really did think I was leaving in 3 months.
Nothing ever happens the way that I expect. But when You said “Come seek My face” my heart said “Your face Lord, I WILL SEEK!” And I will. So I’ve rearranged my schedule….again. And I’m playing my guitar everyday, just so I can sing the word to my soul & to His heart. I’m going to start sieging again & I’m committed for 4 hours every Wednesday night to cry out for California. I’m writing a lot more & sitting outside. And as I’m slowly turning back to the things that made my heart BURN when I got here 4 years ago, I’m starting to see His face again.