I sang tonight

no big deal really, I sing every night. In fact, I hardly can fall asleep without spending time strumming the guitar, same pattern,  same chords.

But I sang tonight, with Jenny. Service ended & she took the stage, turning the room sacred as the atmosphere of prayer settled back in.

It was 4 years ago, maybe more when she joined the Nightwatch. Good ole Dan Rickett’s, we have you to thank for Jenny. If she’d not joined our worship team we’d never have been friends & she’d not be my sister.

Singing together does a lot for a friendship. 6 Nights a week for a year, we sang on that team.  I know how her music thinks; her vocal intonations, where she’s going to lead, how she’ll end a phrase. And for an hour we ebbed & flowed, singing round the cross, the incarnation, the humanity of Christ, the mystery of the ages, & His soon return.

God will tabernacle with man: You’re never going to leave

Empty room, 5 people. 3 passed out on the floor, two pacing. Jenny & I harmonizing, finishing sentences, echoing phrases, dancing through notes & in these moments I believe it. I believe that this is who I am.

This last month there have been days when I would go into DC alone, spend time in the prayer room alone, do the LIFE siege in front of the Court alone & settle back in the prayer room alone before heading back to Fredericksburg, alone.  Those days I turn on the lights, pull out a space heater, tune up the guitar….. & pull a chair right in front of me. I set it just on the other side of my music stand. Then I settle down & close my eyes, down up down up, & behind them I can see Him sitting in that chair in that empty room with me.

And I believe that this is who I am.

Despite uncertainty, despite position or role. Despite city & country & year my call stays the same; to sing to the heart of God. To strain my ears for a whisper of what He’s thinking about & to sing about it to Him. When that is before me than I cannot be moved.

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

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down up

Something broke open today. It happened this afternoon, after the madness of registration for the Worship and Prayer academy I made my way to FSM. Walking towards the meal tent the usual sound of hundreds of teenagers was somewhat overpowered….. by music.

Fifty some the campers had guitars out, all across the lawn and under the tent, sprawled in different positions over chairs, on top of tables or on the ground, playing and singing with a crowd around them. At least that many were beating the nearest random object with drumsticks. It sounds chaotic when I try to describe but it was beautiful to walk thru, almost surreal, and my heart burst open.

Craziness continued, counselors with changes, campers losing their things, communicating schedule differences, fielding situations, running to cvs for MORE Dayquill for ANOTHER sick teen. Buzzing in and out of the service I tried to tune in for glimpses of worship and was provoked as every teen gathered as one at the front of the auditorium.

Landing in a seat I closed my eyes and determined not to move until I caught Him, until my eyes could settle on the unwavering gaze of my Lord. The two singers on stage were prophesying the heart of the Father and as my own heart burst open I was a little shocked at what brought tears rolling down my cheeks.

Sitting in the back, jaw clenched, eyes squeezed shut, hands wide open the thought that rolled through my mind and forced open the barricade inside was this “No matter what I find my hands doing for the rest of my life I will be happy if I can sing.”

I was made to praise Him. A lover can never cease to proclaim the goodness of their hearts desire in whatever means they can make their thoughts known.

Service ended and still I sat under the gentle weight of the presence of my Father. A hand touched my shoulder and electricity shot through my frame as my ears heard the voice of one of our counselors who hardly knows me. For ten + minutes he laughed over me, encouraging my soul with the word of the Lord, reminding my heart of things that only God knows with incredible detail as I sobbed till I couldn’t open my eyes.

Tonight I picked up my guitar and with the first strum I was right back in that heavy cloud of the presence of the Lord. It’s breathtaking, when that first ‘down up’ forces you through to the place that you never want to leave. In those moments the music of my soul overpowers the pain of the day, the words I’ve felt a loss for flood faster than I can write. These are the moments I ache to be able to record. Sometimes it feels like we wait for weeks. Tonight it was the first ‘C’.

I have a feeling about this camp. The last one convinced me of 2 things; 1) The Lord will use me in my weakness 2)There is a generation who will see the face of God. Day one of this camp and I am stirring up my soul to believe another: America will see her Prophets, apostles, priests, nazarites and revolutionaries.

There is a generation of young people who will be known as friends of Jesus. And we will see Revival.

Moment of Truth

The truth is, I record music all the time.

The truth is, my beautiful blue guitar? Yeah it has a hole in the side. Yeah my bridge is uneven and it has a TEEEERRRRIBLE buzzing noise. And my guitar skilz are still lacking in every way. But I love it.

And pretty much, I’m broke all the time. So no I do not have any sort of recording program on my lappy, and I have yet to purchase one of these darling mic’s.

But none of this is stopping me. So for all those people who have asked me the question and had me completely avoid an answer, Yes. I do think about recording a cd someday (thank you Emily Collier). When and what that looks like I have absolutely no idea. The lack of maintaining calluses on my fingertips is testimony enough that I know it wont be soon, but until then I steward the little moments of glory with the Lord by *moment of truth* the sound recorder on windows. Yeah it’s terrible, but it does the job. And someday I want to put some of those little song starts together.

Last week I handed my in-ears to my brother in Virginia and walked away. I’ve not been a ‘Singer’ by vocation for two years, and currently have no hope of getting back into the house of prayer in that capacity. But I was born into the prayer movement in a baby HOP and they continually call me back. Five years from now I may find myself in the country in some state leading worship 7 days a week, dreaming about the racing schedule I lived by in Kansas City and wishing I had SOMETHING else to do and SOMEWHERE to get good coffee. But for now I fly through my days and stay up late to sing.

Let me tell you friends, Jesus sings in the night.

Fall

Last night I pulled my grumpy self into bed and flipped off the light only to have my phone promptly ring. Answering I hear the voice of one of my bro’s say “Get outside, you’re going for a drive with me”.  After lamenting that I was already in bed I did grab a sweatshirt and sulked outside, glaring as I climbed into the car. Undaunted by my bad attitude he promptly tells me to be thankful, “As soon as I get a girlfriend I can’t do this anymore.” I was thankful, that I didn’t have to go to bed grumpy, that the Lord sent me a friend, and that I was able to be out in the clean air and see the stars a little while driving. But someone tell me why getting a girlfriend means you can’t be friends with your girl – friends anymore, hhmmm?

The last carton of Icecream that I bought was Organic All Natural Alden’s Chocolate Chocolate Chip, and it was fantastic. I also just finished it which is unfortunate because I don’t get paid till Monday and one of my life goals is to eat ice cream everyday.

I’ve been actively resisting the coming of fall for different reasons. 1)I have really enjoyed this summer 2)I don’t like to be cold 3) I couldn’t remember liking fall. But then I realized that was because I couldn’t remember LAST fall which was strange only until I remembered that LAST fall we were in CA and didn’t experience a midwest fall. Once I pegged the emotion to the fact, I remembered that I DO in fact like fall. I like bonfires and tea, falling leaves and walks, cool evenings and stew and pies and holidays and people. And change. The ending of seasons and beginning of seasons.

Danika brought her espresso machine to my house this morning and I made pancakes. We fellowshipped over latte’s and communed with Holy Spirit as we talked about Him and wanting burning hearts. I want to fellowship with ALL of my friends and have my heart burn.

My guitar sounds better when other people play it. This is a travesty as I am the one who mostly plays it.

A friend of ours is moving to San Diego next week, and my heart goes with her in so many ways. The good news is that she is staying with us for all of THIS week, and we’ve decided to make videos….everyday. We already planned on making a video for annie about the song we sang at her going away party, and shot a Teaser last night.

Friendship revelation of the week: There are people in my life who I have been close to and had fellowship with, and now I am not, and that’s ok. It’s ok  to release  them to whatever else and whoever else may come into their lives.  On the other hand there are people around my life that I want to be friends with because I believe that there COULD be true fellowship, but I can’t make that happen either and each has to be walked out gently, with pure heart motives, and consideration.

Tomorrow morning we are going to the City market to buy blueberries. By morning I mean noon thirty because it’s 3.45 am and I am skyping Annie.

Last week  I bought a couch, and a lamp with vines and leaves on it. I now own a couch. That I bought. And a lamp that I prayed to find and Jesus gave it to me.  Thanks Jesus.

When You said “Seek my face”

For the past two months I’ve been asking to remember the ways that I used to burn for Him in the middle of the night; what was it that made me walk away from the grandiose plans of my life?

Going about my day trying to get every item marked off on my list, going to the prayer room & then coming home, I find myself in bed at night wondering where my dreams went. I used to have a heart that beat with passion, that bled with each beat, that longed to be a friend to God.

Walking past the map-wall in the prayer room I had a flicker of a memory – like a last flame flying up out of the embers of a burnt out fire. Night after night leaning into the nations & praying for revival with only whispers from a weak heart begging to believe that God would still go to them if I never did. And if all that I did do was pray from that room.

4 years later & the only things I DO know: sleeping on a cot for 6 months didn’t make me any more of a “real missionary”, & finally getting a real mattress didn’t make me less of one. Julie will have a dream whenever big transitions are happening, & it WILL come to pass, & will probably hurt as much as I thought it would when she told us all the dream. I did not loose my life in God by switching off the Nightwatch,  & when I quit singing in March of 08 I had no idea how hard it would be to try & get back on a team when I tried again in August of 09. And when I came to Kansas City, I really did think I was leaving in 3 months.

Nothing ever happens the way that I expect. But when You said “Come seek My face” my heart said “Your face Lord, I WILL SEEK!” And I will. So I’ve rearranged my schedule….again. And I’m playing my guitar everyday,  just so I can sing the word to my soul & to His heart. I’m going to start sieging again & I’m committed for 4 hours every Wednesday night to cry out for California. I’m writing a lot more & sitting outside. And as I’m slowly turning back to the things that made my heart BURN when I got here 4 years ago, I’m starting to see His face again.