Dreaming of Home

I woke up yesterday with a migraine.

And I ended yesterday with a migraine.

During a late night trip to walmart with Jenny I could feel the pressure rising & my vision blurring and decided to call it a day. A few minutes later I was in the kitchen grabbing Excedrin which I chugged with some coconut water for the elctrolites & promptly jumped in a steaming shower. This is my only migraine back up plan, and it didn’t work. 60 minutes later & like so many nights, I’m curled up in the dark wishing my mom were here to bring me an ice pack. I’ll get married some day if for nothing else than to have SOMEONE to bring me an icepack!

Half an hour later, I woke up. WIIIIIIDE awake from the caffeine in the Excedrin. Back up plan fail. After many attempts at sleep I decided to get up and…… do some accounting. *Sigh* I guess that’s the downside to sharing a basement with the office. Somewhere in the middle of that I found myself daydreaming about the Arabian’s we had when I was a teenager. Sassy died five years ago. I drove home to be with my parents for a few days who they said that losing the horse was the worst thing they’d ever gone through. Soon after that they gave Cressy to a BoyScout camp & I never saw him again.

That is until he popped up in my dreams this week. It was one of the nights that pain kept me awake until after 4, and somewhere before the alarm went off at 9 I found myself in Iowa, surrounded by rolling hills of rich, black soil, in the riding arena with the giant mulberry tree in the middle, and he and I went round and round in circles until his strong will finally caved & he would let me take him through rounds. It was a sunny spring day, the kind of perfect weather that bathe’s Iowa in glory all through the Spring, and in the dream my grandfather Carroll was sitting strong & straight on the top rail of the fence. With no oxygen tank & that beautiful smile spread across his face as he watched me determinedly fight the proud Arabian spirit. It’s amazing what dreams can do, the effect that they have. I woke exhausted, again, and breathless from the heart-pain.

Some hours later I stole away to the old horse farm where Jen & Jeremy live. Pain still racked my body as I walked through the forest and empty riding rings before settling in the top of the empty barn, aching for relief & aching for home. Home. Where the heart is, where loved ones are, where rest resides. But my heart is split, torn into so many pieces with those who I love, and peoples that I pray for all over the earth. Those whom I love live so far away from each other, and rest always seems to stay just out of my reach. And as I sat up in that window I ached for the home that never changes, where loved ones never die, where love always reigns victorious. Home.

We’re only at home where You are Jesus.


Onething 09 Day 1

The day started at 5.30am, it’s now 1.30 am and I should be sleeping. Anticipating more heated conversations with hotel desk clerks I dressed up today, but pointy toed shoes are a BAD idea on  a day when you never sit down and my feet hurt by 11. The surgeried foot gave me problems; muscles randomly seizing, tightening and throbbing but I refused to let it stop me! I’m living each day to be healed and one of these days, I will be.

So what is keeping this exhausted, pained little girl awake at 1.30? Home. The smell of horses and a freshly mowed lawn deeply embedded in my old baseball hat. Dust from the road, so think and fine that it coats everything by mid summer leaving the country side faded like an old photograph. Climbing into my rusty 1949 Ford truck and dreaming about Dad and I actually fixing it (which never happened). Fields of raw flowers and uncut grass, rolling hills and tall tree’s. Country you can see for miles. Broken down fences, and the joy (and pain) of fixing them. Waking each morning and hearing roosters crowing outside the window, and the few years we had a “broken rooster” who also crowed around midnight… 1am…2am…3am.

Bustling about Bartle hall today, passing out a combination of passes to about 80 department members, tracking them down and being tracked down. Asking and answering questions, and do a whole lot of NOT answering questions, communicating, trouble shooting, training my replacement, LONGING for a nap and coffee, praying for new feet and dreaming of when mine will be beautiful on the mountain as I preach good news – it was a long day.

As Jeremy & I drove back to red bridge my mind was far from the conference and I couldn’t stop thinking about home. Long days in the sunshine, furry kittens, planting gardens, running barefoot on gravel, picking fruit off of tree’s, giving all of my heart to the Lord through my song while on the back of a tall chestnut Arabian Mare while bare back… sometimes I feel like that childhood was lived by another person. I wouldn’t know what to do if I were to climb on a horse today. It’s funny how things change.

I have a sick love for conference co-ordination and details. Too many years in ministry and too many events causes love for the chaos to flow through your veins, but today I found myself longing to be lost in a sea of green, thinking to my Savior, staring at lazy summer clouds and dreaming.

2010 is about to begin. Options for my time are beginning to present themselves but truly, and I wish for a full bank account. I would tear out the carpet in my house, paint the walls and restore the hardwood floors and window sills. I would plant flowers and a garden and actually have the time to both weed, and enjoy them. Ooooh and a car! I’d buy a car 🙂 At 23 I’m finding myself wondering if time will ever let me to slow down and enjoy life slowly, and if I will ever have the finances to allow that. But for now. I must sleep. Strange thoughts for the first day of Onething 09.

July 11, 2009

Lightning     Fireflies     Crickets     Ice Cream and Country music.

If I were home right now I’d be sitting on the roof outside my window (dear God, never let my mom read my blog. It terrified her that I used to climb out that window)  or high up in the big tree by the far pasture.

In my memories there are still horses in that pasture. Two chestnut Arabians, and one miniature pony, and in half an hour I would hear the sound of the train going through t.wn. It still surprises me that my babies are gone,

Cressie was my favorite because he was bigger, stronger and harder to control.  The first night we had him I spent nearly two hours high up on that back as he fought to go into the barn, and I fought to go on a ride. The result was the two of us going in one small circle for a LONG time. He put up a good fight, eventually trying to shake and rear me off but he finally gave in and five minutes later I took him in to eat. I think he loved me for fighting with him that night.

Tonight I sit on the front porch, the sound of cars ringing in my ears, far far away from the home that I love.  Joshua taught Hebrews 3 in bible study tonight, the Spirit of God was so strong in the room that my breath was shallow and I had to actively fight the tears that threatened to run free; we are looking to a city. Hoping in a King who’s rule will never end, and longing for the day when we can always be with Him. Josh said that David completely removed the veil from the temple, which makes Ps. 84 make SO much more sense. I understand that heart of that earthly king “just let me be a little bird sleeping at your feet” he never wanted to leave Your presence either.

Summertime always makes me think of home, old friends, and missions trips. Remembering all of the bonfires, all of the fundraisers, all of the outreaches, always being in another country over my birthday. I loved that part, loved wearing myself out all summer long. Back then I felt radical, and remember finding you in the extravagant places; on the plains of the Lakota Sioux reservation, out on the brick streets of Londonderry, in the side of a volcano in San Salvador. Now I search for you in the corner of a brightly lit room, trying to hide my tears from the camera’s & my friends running them.

It’s funny how different things look as time passes. How easy it would be to become dissilutioned with our own misunderstanding. I never in my worst dreams imagined myself in America at 22. But here I am loving You Jesus. I’m convinced there’s a journey ahead that even I couldn’t have dreamed up, and am so thankful for the time that You have given me to learn how to set my face towards You, to fix my eyes. You’re so faithful to keep on teaching me. You see everything, and still You love me.