Rustling Leaves

  • “I am more than what these ashes say for they will flee away when He comes for me. My love is real before His eyes, He’s ravished by the sight of one glance from me”
  • My little cup of chocolate icecream from the Bargain Factory is not that good. But I ate the whole thing anyways.
  • Yes I am single. No I do not hate men, nor do I ACTUALLY believe that I am to live single until I die or the Lord should return. Please quit asking me if I’m never going to get married when I tell you that I am single. No I don’t want to get coffee with your assistant or have dinner with your cousin.
  • It’s incredible how much love you can feel for an animal. We had to put Pippin to sleep unexpectedly last Saturday morning and I’ve wept all week-long. Literally. So has my mom. And sister. And my Dad.  This darling dog was the cutest puppy I’d ever seen in my life and stole my heart the first time I saw him 6 1/2 years ago. His absence screams at us. Right now I’m wanting to get a big dog to run with but am being shut down by…. everyone.
  • It has been exactly 20 days since I have blogged.
  • It could have nothing to do with me. That’s highly possible in fact but none the less I have noticed 3 of our highschool girls dying parts of their hair red over the last two weeks. Wether or not this has anything to do with my hair funk it has caught my attention and put an extra tremble inside of me about the influence  of a young person working with teenagers, and wanting to only use that to thrust them into the heart of Christ.
  • When you are out of eggs, milk, sugar, cream & bread it is very difficult to make breakfast, OR drink coffee. In such an instance it is perfectly acceptable to eat cake for breakfast, even several days in a row. And also to drink hot chocolate.
  • Friday I decided two things. 1)I will not live under a spirit of rejection no matter what my circumstances or past say to me and 2)I refuse to be unsatisfied in God.
  • Thursday I watched Alyssa break through an iced-over stream with her backside. And I laughed for a minute before helping her up. It was priceless.
  • After spending 7 days balking on a big decision I finally made the leap…..and then slept REALLY well for the first time in 7 days. Fear steals peace, sleep, time, joy and all sorts of important things. Let’s all live fearlessly shall we?
  • I still deeply miss my brother, and have finally resolved the issue that the pain of that isn’t going to lesson for some time leaving me free to burst into tears shamelessly every time someone asks me if I miss him. Please don’t ask, it’s quite messy.
  • One can be quite happy  to exist on a diet consisting of mostly rice with random foods to supplement. If my best friends can live a simple lifestyle in other countries doing missionary work then I can also live that way in THIS country while doing missionary work.
  • Borrowing cars to get to all of the appointments in my schedule is becoming increasingly difficult and quite wearying. That being said I am thankful for my feet AND for my new Vibram Five Fingers that I prayed for and the Lord provided for!! Yes they look strange and Yes I DO feel like a frog when I wear them but I’m pretty sure they’re going to help strengthen my feet and THAT is quite exciting!
  • I’ve set my heart on the youth of this city. I’ve set my eyes on the young people at IHOP. If you are one of them and are reading this blog post you may now feel loved, but also warned because I am watching you and I’m going to fight for you to live radical lifestyles of righteous love.
  • Tonight several friends prophesied over my parents who are visiting and were attending the Awakening Service. It was incredible, for my parents, for kat & I and for those hearing from the Lord on our behalf. I pray to never cease to be amazed at the depth of love the Father has for us.
  • My visiting parents brought groceries. SERIOUS groceries, and though I love to live simply my stomach is happy to not be mostly filled with rice for a couple of weeks. Let’s hear it for good parents!
  • C.S. Lewis makes a point in his book The Four Loves that “Affection at it’s best” is shown to those around the dinner table rather than those at the dinner party. He requires that the best of our affection be lavished on those in our home, with greater thoughtfulness, kindness, intentionality  and preference than we give to the friends who we meet with occasionally. This is a hard requirement but one WELL worth fighting for. If, and I believe it to be true,  the one thing that matters most when we stand before the Lord of Glory is how we learned to love then we must WAR against the drive to disdain those in the closest proximity to our lives. The King of Kings is Himself the Lamb who was slain. How then should we live? My proposal: “Wide open like a lake.”
We had op0lito put-p vccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc Pippin to sleep unexpectedly last saturday morning and I’ve wept all week long. Literally. So has my parents & my sister.

Love is such a worthy cause

The sound of fingers lightly strumming strings of wire, the guitar feels like a part of me with my ear down against the wood listening. Same familiar chords, same familiar pattern, same familiar song, “I miss you”. We do funny things with our missing. Some times it drives us to extreme measures in hopes to convince a return, sometimes it finds us madly pursuing our pleasure, thoughtlessly filling our thoughts with others to avoid….. what? The missing. But it doesn’t go away.

Do our souls remember Eden? How else could we ache for communion?

So many of my friends have left town lately and I want them all to return; tuck them all in next to me, no don’t leave, stay here where I have control. I’ll wrap up in you all like a blanket as a comfort to my fears that some of you might go …. but even now you are going.

This week I missed my brother. Dang it, I’ve missed him every day since he left. Matt Lockett sent me a cruel photo of the two of them stating “He’s here with me. And you are not.” As soon as I saw it I burst out in smile – Jeremy with Matt. I love that Jeremy is with Matt! Then tears, because I want to be with Jeremy & Jen, and I want to be with Matt & Kim. Oh fellowship. The next night I pulled into the parking lot and passing what I thought to be Jenny’s car got so excited to run inside and hug my brother, only to remember how far away that hug is. I txt him my dilemma and he responded “come and get em!” It’s a long drive to Fredricksburg for a hug J.

My heart has been aching, to quote Sara Groves “So much painful information no sure way on how to hold it and everything in me is tightening like a circle round this ache”. Friends and family moving away and changing, Haiti & my hearts cry, and the pains that come with life. One of my dearest friends from my “pre-IHOP” days is going through the hardest thing that I could imagine and is too far away for me to comfort, a missionary friend finds herself deported and lost on what to do and where to go, even in my home the increasing awareness of our brokenness combined with circumstances threatens to overwhelm us.

I spent an hour on the phone crying with a friend this week, longing for words of life but having nothing to offer him but my tears and woke the next morning to the song “love is such a worthy cause” drifting through my brain. Love, the worthy cause. But it cost’s everything.

To love well is choosing to be the one who loves more NOT the one who IS loved more, and it does mean that we are the one who is loved less. To love is to feel, to love well is to be hurt. The more we love the more tender we become and the easier we feel the pain. Living with hearts that are bruised; the most gentle push hurts deeply. And what is the option from here? Turn back? “Where else can we go Jesus? You alone have the words of life.”

I imagine the Son of Man, eyes like fire – can you see them burn? Gazing over the hillside. The multitudes. Shepherdless sheep, His sheep. Harassed, helpless, abused, lied to, betrayed, lost, confused, manipulated, led on only to have their hopes dashed time and time again, dreamless, hopeless, accused and loveless ….. and He was moved. Can we be His friends and not be moved? Oh the Son of God, the Lord of all Creation how He FEELS.

Oh the longing in our souls to be with You Jesus. The longing in our souls for the garden, we’ve not forgotten, we were made for true communion. Oh that You would rend the heavens and come down, that the wrong would be made right, that Love would have it’s day, that all darkness would flee before Your ever increasing light, and that we would be found like You.

Love. It costs us everything today, it cost You everything too. Everything. It’s not figurative, not poetic language that Love looks like “the God-Man bleeding on a tree.” There is no deeper truth; love looks like the Son of God, the Lord of Glory, unrecognizable as even a human with a gash in his side that pumps out blood to a beat, the beat of a dying human heart. That is Love in the truest form, the clearest picture. It costs us everything, oh but help us to believe that it will pay for forever.

Like a Lake

Why post lyrics? Because I think in song. Welcome to the tunes frolicking through my brain.

Sara Groves – Like a Lake

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God’s own heart
I’ve no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it’s over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can’t fake
wide open like a lake