Rustling Leaves

  • I am now cpr, aed and first aid certified through the red cross. Does the fact that I hope to never have to use any of the information I acquired today make anyone feel safer?
  • About 3x a day I’m sad that I buzzed my head, but then I take a breath and remember how hot it is outside and I’m happy.
  • Through all of the turmoil in life, and the turmoil in the lives of the ones that I love I can rest in peace in a love that never fails me. That love is what strengthens my heart to care for those that are broken, and to  pray without ceasing.
  • It’s not that hard to pray without ceasing. If you have people in your life at all, they (if not you!) will constantly be in situations beyond their control.  You are too small to carry life’s pain and will be forced to leave it with Jesus. There, now you’ll never have a reason to stop praying.
  • I’m in awe that I haven’t heard more about the oil spill, the flood’s in Nashville and the severity of the situation between North & South Korea.
  • I dream of things long before their timing. It leaves me aching.
  • Katrina made a statement the other day about life as a Nazarite not being defined so much by the specifics of what we do NOT do, and more by the simple and powerful act of responding to the subtle promptings of the Holy Spirit. I like idea, but it sure is haaaard to walk out. Help us to be faithful to Your voice Lord.
  • Emotions are the overflow of the songs that are heart never stops singing. If you listen you can sing it too.

***an addendum: I have the strangest experiences while walking into Shiloh. I always encounter the most interesting people walking out.***

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Change is coming

My life schedule has to change. Period.

Because it’s 1 am and I want to be somewhere off Blue River by the lake. Or up at Grace Point. Or down at Shiloh, but I am a girl. And though I am strong willed, I can say boldly that the Lord has done many things in my life over the last 4 years, and a measure of my pride HAS been broken. In saying this I have found myself at the beginning of fall – the most BEAUTIFUL time to be outside late at night – without any late night friends.

Without any late night friends I will stay stuck in my house at 1 am, frustrated because I want to be outside.

My life schedule has to change. Or I need to build a tree house in the backyard….

Someday I’ll learn to blog briefly

1.50 am.

If I cry after midnight then I am ruined. There is something about tears, trickling slowly out the corners or pouring down my face, either way the release brings awareness, not sleep to my bones

While doing laundry in the silent house it hit me, “I get really grumpy when my foot hurts.” This revelation brought waves of questions, pains and fears related to the whole “foot issue” and instead of dealing with any of them i got on the internet. Joanna has posted some new music and I click on the top one….then replayed it for two hours.

I knew what I was getting into when I called you, and I’m not surprised by you. I knew what I was getting into when I said your name and I said it just the same. I know you better than you do. I knew what I was getting into when I chose you but I chose you still. I  knew what I was getting into, I know your frame, and I remember that you are but dust and I know where this is going…..I don’t regret it.

Really I didn’t cry until hour 2.5 but suddenly that hit me. That line right there, “I remember that you are but dust, but I know where this is going, I don’t regret it”. Because sometimes I regret it. There are times when the battle in my soul is raging and I accuse the Lord of So. Many. Things. When I remember OH how I remember the zeal of my youth and I wonder “just what AM I doing with my life anyway?”

But He knew.

The summer of 2004 found me in San Salvador, El Salvador serving a ministry called Castillo del Rey.There I was first introduced to the concept of 24/7 prayer in their Prayer Tower, where 24 hours a day they housed missionaries who had no part of their ministry, but to pray. Half of the day they sang the bible and worship music and used instruments, but during the night, they chanted the psalms Gregorian monk style: accapella harmonies. In that place I hungered, and I accused God. Sitting on the roof of the building, starring into a pitch black sky shot with shinning stars, the sound of prayer rising up from below I cried out to the Lord, “Why did You make it so hard to love You! Why isn’t there a place in AMERICA where people can go and just love You with all of their hearts?”.

A little over one single year later, and I found myself again in the middle of the night, bitterly weeping. Standing in the back of that brown prayer room, leaning up against a huge map of the world that is the back wall with my hands spread across the nations, knowing that the Lord was inviting me to stay in Kansas City, and do what? Love Him with all of my heart.

How fickle that heart can be.

That morning a few interns gathered to my car for our morning Shiloh-breaking-curfew-ritual and I could feel despair rising in my soul, wondering how I could ever live up to all that God expected when He looked at IHOP, wondering if He ever thought of the Prophetic History and actually saw ANY of us making it. We sat by the frozen lake, silent, as the wind HOWLED around us and suddenly, the sun burst over the horizon and everything was gold.

Grabbing my guitar from the car I walked far enough away to leave them in peace and strummed those 4 chords as hard as I could, mourning with understanding that I would never be what God wanted me to be, never do the things I dreamed for Him. Really I don’t know why, but as quickly as I’d started I stopped and reached down at my feet as though something there could save me. My fingers clasped a broken, frozen lump of clay.  And in that dried up riverbed, the wind roaring all around, my ears heard the words”He remembers…”

You remember that we are but dust, but You know where this is going. And we’re going to like it, and we’re going to REALLY love You when this is over.

June 26, 2008

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. August 16th is looming larger and larger before us as we work hard to see TheCall DC come together and pray the Lord’s mercy over our efforts. Written in big letters on the dry erase board in our meeting room rest the words “Unless the Lord builds the house we labor in vain”. Build the house o Lord!

Working in TheCall house doing my time in the Prayer Room, singing on a worship team, landscaping around my house, and finding time to eat, sleep and shower has been an interesting swirl but I continue to fight for God’s will in my schedule and responsibilities. 2008 started with our switch off of the Night watch, the schedule and life I had lived for 2 years and the changes haven’t stopped; looking at the closing of June I can’t help but shudder at the thought of the rest of the year continuing at this pace.

Today I woke early to go to the office. Walking in the building a blinking “117 new messages” greeted me cheerily from the phone and I sighed. The morning progressed with my grumpiness which is odd! Grumpy days are rare but this was proving to be a bad one and I finally collapsed in my desk, which happens to be an old gold coloured chair in the corner of the office i confessed my emotions to Michelle my boss. Working as Michelle’s assistant has been a joy! Her heart is rooted in the love of Christ and though she understands the magnitude of the task before us she is always first concerned about our hearts and willing to give us time to talk.  Today she gently, but firmly, suggested I take a walk.

“Go outside, just for 20 minutes and eat lunch. You’ll feel better”

After a little prompting I agreed and found myself in a moment at the old meeting place, Shiloh. Walking down the gravel drive to the lake I was reminded of SO many mornings after leaving the prayer room when I would wait for the sun to rise and go spend an hour in the stillness. Today was beautiful; 2 ducks on the lake, a gentle breeze blowing through the cattails and whistling through the grass as the wildflowers bobbed to the tune of the birds singing in the trees. Nestling down on a log I absorbed the sunshine. Within minutes peace began to wash over me and soak into my soul, deep inside I’m still a country girl, and the place where I find Him the best is in the purity of His creation.

My rest was disturbed by the sound of something approaching, quite loudly. Suddenly, leaping over the tall grass and nearly flying straight into my log was a tiny faun. Maybe a foot and a half tall it stopped still shocked to find me in it’s playground and blinked his huge dark eyes before turning and bounding away.

Surely You are beautiful my Lord.

I see You there hanging on a tree, You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me. Now You are sitting on Your hevenly throne, and soon You will be coming home: Youre Beautiful.

-Phil Whickham