“You make me new with every season’s change”

2.17 am. Again.

Nights like tonight find me wistfully remembering my days on the Nightwatch….oh wait… that’s every night. Yup, its been a year and a half on days, and I still look with fondness on those 2 1/2 years of my life wondering if I will ever find a season containing such focus, diligence, community & lack of sleep!

A quick recap of the last few months:

I turned 23!

My dear friend Shelley Paulson came to visit IHOP, doing quite a few photo shoots and a few training sessions. I was incredibly blessed to be the subject of one such lesso taught to the lovely Jessica, and will post pictures when they both get done editing. The three of us went to the Shiloh property at sunset and laughed and played in the sunlight and wildflowers and there I discovered something: I LOVE the click of a shutter! Really, I have always hated having my photo taken but absolutely delighted in the few hours of undivided attention from two excellent photographers out on the property that has been more home to me in the last few years than my own house.

At the beginning of August Katrina and I took a mini vacation to San Diego California. It was an incredible few days of food, rest and sun. And stirring. The last few months have been …trying, climaxing into the last few weeks of weighty intercession, weighty emotions and a lot of heaviness in my soul. There has been many many nights of late night tears and wrestling – desperately needing a touch from the Lord, an encouragement to keep me going and remind me deep inside of why I am here and what I am doing.

And nothing seems to do that like returning to the old things, the “ancient paths”, those places that have always been a part of my journey in the Lord. There are several things that come to mind when I say that but I will stick with California.  In the past 6 months I have had 2 very significant, and very heavy dreams related to this state that I so love. And being on the soil stirred my soul to remember, remember, remember and to pray. One morning we spent a few hours with the JHOP San Diego crew, praying with them at the UCSD campus. I have such love for that House, and we were honored to stand with them!

Well there is a short update – more to come!

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July 11, 2009

Lightning     Fireflies     Crickets     Ice Cream and Country music.

If I were home right now I’d be sitting on the roof outside my window (dear God, never let my mom read my blog. It terrified her that I used to climb out that window)  or high up in the big tree by the far pasture.

In my memories there are still horses in that pasture. Two chestnut Arabians, and one miniature pony, and in half an hour I would hear the sound of the train going through t.wn. It still surprises me that my babies are gone,

Cressie was my favorite because he was bigger, stronger and harder to control.  The first night we had him I spent nearly two hours high up on that back as he fought to go into the barn, and I fought to go on a ride. The result was the two of us going in one small circle for a LONG time. He put up a good fight, eventually trying to shake and rear me off but he finally gave in and five minutes later I took him in to eat. I think he loved me for fighting with him that night.

Tonight I sit on the front porch, the sound of cars ringing in my ears, far far away from the home that I love.  Joshua taught Hebrews 3 in bible study tonight, the Spirit of God was so strong in the room that my breath was shallow and I had to actively fight the tears that threatened to run free; we are looking to a city. Hoping in a King who’s rule will never end, and longing for the day when we can always be with Him. Josh said that David completely removed the veil from the temple, which makes Ps. 84 make SO much more sense. I understand that heart of that earthly king “just let me be a little bird sleeping at your feet” he never wanted to leave Your presence either.

Summertime always makes me think of home, old friends, and missions trips. Remembering all of the bonfires, all of the fundraisers, all of the outreaches, always being in another country over my birthday. I loved that part, loved wearing myself out all summer long. Back then I felt radical, and remember finding you in the extravagant places; on the plains of the Lakota Sioux reservation, out on the brick streets of Londonderry, in the side of a volcano in San Salvador. Now I search for you in the corner of a brightly lit room, trying to hide my tears from the camera’s & my friends running them.

It’s funny how different things look as time passes. How easy it would be to become dissilutioned with our own misunderstanding. I never in my worst dreams imagined myself in America at 22. But here I am loving You Jesus. I’m convinced there’s a journey ahead that even I couldn’t have dreamed up, and am so thankful for the time that You have given me to learn how to set my face towards You, to fix my eyes. You’re so faithful to keep on teaching me. You see everything, and still You love me.

change like the weather

Kansas City weather is incredibly unpredictable.

At 10am it was blazing as I walked the dog. All day I was outside in the scorching sun, then suddenly, dark clouds bullied there way across the sky and at 7pm we found ourselves in a torrential downpour. This cleared up in less than two hours and left a gorgeous summer evening in it’s wake.

At 2am we left an empty soccer field were we’d been lighting fireworks and laughing for two hours.  Today was a fantastic summer Saturday, lovely, sun drenched, full of laughter and friends. And tonight while driving around, just doing our thing, dropping people off, You broke through my atmosphere and into my world.

You love suddenly. It’s the surprise, the catching off guard and knowing that You have my full attention. Like a man in the middle of a crowd of people trying to capture the heart of that one girl, knowing the tone of voice or carefully chosen words will catch her eye, and then he holds it, holding her attention, ALL of it, above every other person standing in between. It’s funny how You love that dance, the game of pursuit, of wooing. I will never cease to be anything less than astounded, that the God of all creation is so intentional with little me.

3am, I swear I can almost smell You in this delicious, enticing wind.  Do I ever tell You how I love the way you slip up unnoticed, then suddenly declare Yourself? Leaving me knowing You are close enough to feel with me, to taste, touch, see, smell, hear, and think with me. They say You’re not enough to statisfy, but I am one of those that has seen, has known the way You redeem, just how intimately You work when you make one new. I love You for finding me.

Snapshots

8 days ago I dreamed about the martyrdom of the saints on the streets of San Fransisco. Mark that on the top 3 Scariest Dreams I’ve ever had, all of which have occurred in the last 6 months.

6 days ago I realized that my desire to go back to the Nightwatch is based mostly on missing the deep community experienced with the people. My Next realization:I may never switch back to Nights, and still need intentional community.

5 days ago I talked with my best friend for over an hour. The first phone call since she left for India. God dropped a bomb in my life out of her mouth about my calling to intercession on behalf of the unborn and the current spiritual warfare in my life.  It was the single most encouraging thing to happen in months. Thanks Soph, I really miss you.

4 days ago the stitches from my surgery were removed and I was given permission to begin putting weight on my foot. The first day was rather discouraging.

All week my friends have kept me laughing due to madness on Facebook surrounding one ridiculous caffeinated beverage. Realization: You people are amazing, I am so honored to know and run with you. Thank you for loving me.

3 days ago was the birthday of a dear friend: E.Money you are such a blessing and a joy.

The soundtracks to this week have included Jon Foreman, Sarah Groves, Norah Jones, Phil Whickham, Dennis Jernigan, The Cross Movement & Brad Paisley. Yup, it’s been an interesting week.

Today I left the crutches at home. A friend commented to another friend that they told the wrong girl to let the pain guide her in recovery 😀 For the first time I drive better than I walk, but I know the limp is another part of the journey of humility that God is faithfully walking me down.

This evening I ate ice cream twice in an hour and sat in a cafe reading and speaking of the Savior with Jessica Orr. She is my blessing of the summer.

Tonight my brother and sister in law went on a date with my parents(WEIRD). Later while sitting outside with toes buried in the dew laden lawn, surrounded by a cloud of smoke from the sparklers that burned in my palm I watched him stop to kiss her forehead while carrying a load of boxes in his arms, and my heart rejoiced for them.

Thank You for this life, for each breathe that You give to us, for making us more like Your Son, for not leaving us to make it on our own. Thank You for the hope  that burns bright in our souls that You are coming soon.

Holding Stars
Holding Stars